Dear Zombies: This is not a eulogy. This is a behind the scenes.

Dear Zombies,

I created Interrogating Ideology With a Chainsaw in January 2014 because of a personal challenge. I was wrapping up my undergrad degree in social work and had spent the last year showing up to college up to 6 hours early to read. I had a favorite spot. A chair on the library balcony which hung over the atrium. What I didn't know at the time was that reading had become my safe space after 4 very difficult years in the Navy.

When I read my problems became puzzles. Socio-economic-Philo-psychological puzzles. The very social fabric became clearer and I felt powerful. As I progress through grad school I became more stress and disheartened about the capacity for social work to shift any noticeable change in the world.

After I graduated I struck out into my first job leveraging a family member. Three months later I had been fired and I institutionalized myself in the VA. A year before a friend had made it clear to me I wasn't just against the grain but diagnosable.

A more intentional personal struggle began. A search for a quality psychiatrist and therapist. A cat was adopted. A fundraiser was held, and thanks to you I was able to purchase a sweet DSLR and pursue photography. I started teaching myself to paint. I slowly began to recapture something that was lost to me.

The ability to create.

To shape the world in my image. Brush against the fabric of the universe and instill something. I relearned to leave my fucking mark on the world.

But then something happened. A job fell apart. A friend died. And I mourned both. Terror and symptoms and a 2-hour daily commute forced me to live on coffee and hatred. An incinerating rage that got me out of bed but threatens to destroy everything I had built.

I needed a plan-B. (I can feel my eye twitch just thinking about all of this) I began in search of a new adventure and found my way to the murder mitten. I traded a studio apt for a 2 bedroom.

Last month I attended a Wounded Warrior Project retreat called Project Odyessy. I so psyched for the retreat I picked up a copy of the Odyessy and read it the week before. This was the adventure that I needed. We were all provided with a copy of Eric Greiten's Resilience.

The first thing that struck me about the book was its similarity to Seneca's letter. I believe the similarity was intentional. Both contain a set of letters providing advice and mentoring. Resilience was full stoic antidotes and encouragement that hit close to home.

And then I remembered something. What it felt like to read independently of stress, racing thoughts, and exhaustion. I tapped into a peace I hadn't felt since 2014 when I began this Interrogating Ideology.

I'm not going to lie. I have not found the right strategy to provide rhythm and regularity to this crazy horror-philosophy project, but I have no intention of stopping.

Thank you for all your support.


P.S. I'm rebranding.


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