Dear Zombies: All Hail Sisyphus, patron saint of glorious futility
There is a pain inside me and it is oozing out. The trouble with the path to greatness is that it requires people. People who shift with the chaos. Sometimes, solid stepping stones to climb the hill and other time a bear trap ready to laugh. Caught between fumbling and progress. This limbo of people. Humanity this revolving polarity. Constantly splitting you from who you could be with who they think you are.
Today hurt too much. I clocked out and headed home. Stopping at the used bookstore to purchase books I don't have the will to read. Investing in the future where there is more time and willpower. A barely real moment lurking beyond expectations.
Maybe my world was always like this? Turmoil and relapse. Only making enough progress to provide others with the means to crush my spirit. I am strong yet fragile. Able to chart my course and be disrupted to a standstill by insignificant irritations. I know this anxiety and feelings of powerless are internal. The remains of trauma which carved my soul into something less than human.
I think this is why horror movies appeal to me and others. Monsters materialize pain that defies articulation. They provide us with metaphors for our despair and alienation. I can relate to the masked man, withdrawn, depersonalized, yet focused and purposeful. Shattered by poor attachment patterns they become shells of almost looks a person.
In the nightmares persistence, you can see the desperate, sometimes systematic way in which the create seeks to realign the universe through revenge or other demands for justice. I saw this nature in my rage today. The compulsion to fight back, force the pieces to fit they way they should have in the first place. Hate and rage are welcoming forces, full of righteous and nobility, but they trip me up and leave me isolated.
I desire connection. To belong to something. Some group or institution. Collective identity. Share ideology. But the rabble, these so called people aimlessly navigating life, remind me that I'm better of alone, ordering food rather than going out and having to interact with others. Others whom trivialize their own existence and settle superficiality in all things. At least, my pain feels real. Suffering connects me to myself.